Dealing with it all

While I am working on the new look for the page I wanted to take a minute to put this down. I have been trying to write about the things that really do matter to me. One of the biggest topics as of lately for me is stability of income and this path that GOD has laid before me. It has been a good minute (almost 2 months) since I have had to wake up to go to work (not that what I am doing now is not work because in some way it is) to earn an income.

Now I don't know about anybody else out there but being able to support my wife & children is definately a priority for me. I am not excluding building my relationship with GOD because that is the first priority but while I am alive supporting my family is the next highest. I have gone on a number of interviews and the only calls I have gotten after the interviews were to inform me somebody else has gotten the job. How do you really think that makes me feel? And the truth be told...even though my spirits and hopes are crushed when I hear it, I am more concerned about how my wife and children feel when they hear I didn't get the job.

I am more concerned about my wife thinkig and feeling like she has to take on the financial responsibilities by herself. I am more concerned that she is more tired now than she was when I was working. Now personally I feel like someone from previous employment (especially when it comes to reference checks) has made some not so nice comments about me and in turn has hindered my oppotunities for a chance to be that POSITIVE BLACK MAN I am so striving to be.

What do I think it comes from? The simple fact of not knowing me as a person. Yes I am proud of my blackness, and I am even more proud of survivng the life I once lived. I was asked the other day by my wife "If you could go back in life to correct some of your mistakes would you?" My response was a resounding "YES, Oh HELL YES!" I told her I would go back to the point when my grandfather passed because that was the place in my life where I gave up because I felt alone. See he was the father I knew. He was the MAN in my life that was going to show me how to be a man. He was the protector and provider in our home. He was passionate about his role as the man of the house and I looked up to him for that. He was who I wanted to be when I grew up.

But here is what is so funny (honestly it hurts like HELL)...whenever I say "I HAVE NEVER KNOWN WHO MY FATHER IS" people respond to me like I am not being honest or they say "I am sorry to hear that" and what is even funnier is when I have to one of the schools for my children people respond to me like I am not supposed to be there. It makes me sick to my stomach when that happens. This is because this is the image that society has gotten so used to and to be honest have become extremely COMPLACENT about it. But let's go another further...job interviews. In the last few interviews I have gone on I have made it NO SECRET just as much as I know if given THE CHANCE to fill the position I could do the job, I also work to provide for my family. I let it be known they are the ones that are there for me before, during, and especially after the job is done and they deserve nothing but the best that I have to give.

To hell with the response "That is good" GIVE ME THE JOB!!! Sound a little angry? Well I am. Because I try to be me at all times. Right now I am dealing with going on interviews, internally as well as externally knowing I could do the job required (and then some), trying to be professional (whatever that is) but yet being me, and still getting turned down. Why? I have no clue. Because there is something in the books that says a prospective employer does not have to tell you the exact reason why you were not chosen. Yet I have been in this field long enough to know that there are not enough passionate people such as I doing what I do. I have worked with people who have more certifications than they need but still can't do the job. They either lack people skills or just look at their job as a paycheck. I am totally different. I see it from this perspective: I am helping someone, somewhere.

There is no greater feeling that being able to help someone. I love the smiles, the thank you's and all of the other forms of gratitutde that someone shows when I can help them through an issue. That I know is the reason GOD has allowed me to live through what I have. I know he wants me to share what he has so BLESSED me with. He knows I LOVE what I do and that makes me a rare breed. But it is a shame when your passion and love is questioned by someone who doesn't really know you. In these interviews people are looking for whatever it is they are looking for but they don't really tap into whether you are passionate or not. I mean to be honest there have been more than enough times I have wanted to bleed my heart out to show that I am worthy of THE CHANCE but I keep telling myself GOD has something else in store for you.

"He may not come when you want him, but he's right on time" is what the song says and I continuesly tell myself that. But I won't lie when I sometimes ask "When is my time?" And that is a test of my patience and faith in my GOD. I am surrounded by people that quite honestly I feel I don't deserve to be surrounded by. I have a Father-in-law, Brother & Sister that are ministers and I know they pray like crazy for me. I am also blessed to have numerous other Sisters, Brothers, Sons & Daughters outside of my immediate Sister, Brother, Sons & Daughters that I know pray for me. And I can not forget about my Wife. She has been there when there was no one there. She has taken on more of the financial responsibility and I can see the stress it is causing her. As much as she smiles through it all physically you can see what it is doing to her.

When I decided to go for the so-called position that was presented to me the first thing I thought about was her and the children and how I would be able to be closer to them and provide more for them. It wasn't about me. Whatever was entitled to me through this position would be given but my family was first on my mind. As much as it was no fault of my own (because I never saw it coming) I still can't help but to feel like in some way I am at fault. And there are enough Black Men out here that AREN'T doing! I get stuck with the attitudes, envy, jealousy, anger, hatred and stereo-type from their actions. I am so happy I had the honor to be raised by a man that stood for everything good about Black Men.

I carried it with me and try my best to live it daily as well as instill it in my sons. It is not easy to feel like this and smile through it all but I know in due time it will pass. Keep us in your prayers.

Thanks